Midget Love is Tough Love

Howdy sports fans! It's me, your favorite jobless, anti-social sailor, Tom.

Let's see, a lot has been going on this week in our landlocked existence. As you've hopefully noticed, I have moved the new website over into the production environment, not so much because it was ready, but because I needed to use it as a demo for another contract I was auditioning for.

Hey, what can I tell you? I am in fact a cheap whore.

Speaking of the new site, I hope you took the time to notice the new "Maps" section. While still a work in progress, it is up and running and at least semi-functional. I haven't loaded all of the GPS points for our historical anchorage spots, but I have enough in the application that you should be able to get a feel for where I am going with this section. And if not, put down the mouse and back away slowly.

And now I have to tell your about last night.

I've tried to find a politically correct way to tell this story, but I'm pretty sure there isn't one. I'll preface the story by readily admitting that I am in fact, going straight to hell.

It started like a normal Monday night in our Hood; hot, humid, rainy, but fairly quite. I was happily programming along at my window side computer desk when all of the sudden I heard the unmistakable sounds of combat.

In the interest of saving humanity(read: I am nosy) I opened the condo door and crept out into the night. It wasn't hard to follow the intermittent, high pitched squeals emanating from the far side of our court yard. Three minutes of creeping from palm tree to palm tree brought me within visual range of the raging battle. I rounded a small Eucalyptus and all I can say is that what I found chilled me to the bone! And then made me laugh.

Two midgets, a male and a female, were involved in a full on, knock down, drag out, death match!


I stifled my laughter and moved in closer. The female combatant gained the upper hand thanks to a conveniently located umbrella and the hapless mini male was being driven down to his hands and knees in the garden foliage that lines our condo units.

Although he was prone, he was finding decent coverage behind some palm frond bushes up until mini-she turned the umbrella around and started using it as a spear.

Shitty Death for mini-dude!

He took three blows to the forehead before I stopped laughing enough to get out from behind my palm tree and close the gap. I was able to successfully restrain the micro-attacker and keep her from inflicting further damage. She cursed my ancestry as I held her at arms length, but then she broke free and quickly reversed her direction in a surprise pincer move.

She swung her umbrella, but missed and I was able to get inside her swing perimeter and wrestle the umbrella from. I thought I was home free, but as soon as soon as my guard was down, she fell back to her bunker line and picked up a nearby coconut.

Ahhhh! I dove for dirt as she chucked it at my head!

As I lay prone eating dust, I heard the super sonic ZINNNNG! of the passing coconut!.

Whew, close one!

Having successfully dodged imminent death, I jumped to my feet, expanded my umbrella as a shield and advanced. My assailant, detecting her weakening position, beat a hasty retreat. Before I could give chase, she was gone!

I brushed off my knees and then walked over to where the mini man lay sprawled. He had recovered sufficiently to tell me that he was ok and that his now ex-girl friend was not only a midget, but she was in fact a midget whore.

By this time I was laughing so hard all I could do was wave as I disappeared back into the darkness. By the time I got back to the condo I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I hate to say it, but the whole thing was so damn funny that I had to go and wake Amy up to tell her what had just happened, because I was worried no one would believe me if I waited until morning.

Man, all I can say is midget love is definitely tough love.

More to follow. End of line.

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